Prajna
by A September Rose
Summary: [Sequel to Metta] Sanzo has doubts about the relationship. Wisdom, Truth, Compassion, Happiness: what's most important? [53, yaoi] Happy Valentine's Day!


Disclaimer: As usual, Saiyuki is Minekura Kazuya's, not mine.

Prompt: I'm going to get a reputation from this. Another story inspired by my Buddhism class. I sincerely doubt that when Buddha was teaching, he intended his lessons to be used for a fangirl to write smut. This is the sequel to "Metta," so it helps to read that.

Notes: "Prajna" is "wisdom." Some Buddhist text paraphrased from "What the Buddha Taught," by W. Rahula.

Prajna

"_Wisdom, when developed and cultivated, sees Truth: things as they really are. The man who knows Truth is happy. He does not repent the past, nor does he brood over the future. He lives fully in the present."_

A voice cuts through my dreams and rouses me back to consciousness. It sounds familiar, yet foreign at the same time; a mix of several different male voices I know. Whatever I dreamed about that led to that revelation disappeared as I notice the warmth next to me. Now I remember.

This is the seventh morning I've woken up in bed with Gojyo.

This whole turn of events has taken me completely by surprise. For years, I knew how he mercilessly teased me, flirted with me, touched me when I didn't want to be touched, but I assumed it was all an act. He flirted with everyone; why did I think I was any different? I began to toy with ideas, but convinced myself that it was all a big joke. If I admitted even the smallest flicker of interest, he'd surely laugh in my face.

I guarded my heart carefully until that night one week ago. He stuttered out a confession that made us realize it was more than just the physical attraction we'd both secretly figured it to be. It was all I could do to hold myself still as he kissed and held me for the first time. My nerves were on edge and I was overwhelmed with excitement. He loved me… at least, that's what he said.

I'm on the verge of believing him; after all, he's let a week go by and I haven't yet been pressured for sex. I had been fully prepared for him to jump all over me, but so far, nothing. He'd better not be thinking something stupid like he's protecting my "innocence." I don't need his pity.

"Mmm…" He's awake; I hear him rustling around under the covers next to me. "Sanzo…" Long tan arms reach for me, even though he'd held me all night. He scoots closer, drawing me to his chest. My back is pressed against his front. He tells me this position is more intimate; I'm inclined to believe him.

He nuzzles his face against my shoulder and I shiver against it. I can't seem to help it anymore. We discovered this week just how sensitive my skin was when he did things like that – apparently, I'm quite ticklish, humiliating as it is to admit. The way we sneak around makes me feel like I'm a teenager again, complete with make-out sessions and tentative groping. It almost feels… normal.

I let him kiss his way up the right side of my neck before trying to reason with him. "We're going to have to get up soon. Someone's going to walk in here and…"

"And they're just going to have to sit back and watch the show," he cuts in, adjusting so he's leaning over me and turns me on my back, letting my head rest on the pillow.

I don't have much to compare it to, but I can't imagine that anyone else in the world kisses like he does. His lips are always so gentle when they first touch mine, but that soon gives way to a rather insistent tongue. Ever since that first night when he figured out he could get away with it, there's always been tongue. Damn kappa…

While that's going on, he starts working. He uses his right hand to prop himself up while his left hand snakes down under the blankets, fingers light on my stomach and finally resting on my hip. I break the kiss to gasp, which just makes him smile.

He plants more kisses along my throat and his hand continues to stroke down there, but it never leaves that spot, despite the other sensations I feel running through me.

"Somebody's getting excited," he comments.

So he's noticed too. I feel him grinning against my skin. He moves back up to my ear, kissing just behind it. The second night we were together, he tried that technique and it was so successful, he's been exploiting it for all its worth ever since.

"Maybe I should do something about-"

That's when we both hear a knock on the door. "Ah, are you two awake?" The doorknob slowly begins to turn.

I'm getting really good at moving fast when I have to. Before Gojyo can blink, I'm out from under him, tearing off the covers on the unused bed, and making it look slept in, all in the two seconds it took for Hakkai to open the door.

"Oh?" Our healer looks around curiously. "Am I interrupting something?"

Great, what should just be an innocent question is making me bright red. I try to steel my expression into its normal indifference. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I see."

What? But Hakkai's already turning to Gojyo, letting him know that breakfast is now being served downstairs and that Goku is extremely impatient for us to join them.

"I don't know how much longer he'll hold off for you," he explains with a wink. He then moves to leave the room with one final glance at the two of us.

That is my greatest fear. If this thing is really going on between Gojyo and I, what happens when the others find out? Hakkai's not stupid; he has to sense something, and Goku hates when people kept secrets – he'd pester both of us until he got an answer.

Gojyo stands up; deliberately taking his time stretching so as to remind me he's very shirtless at the moment. "So much for that," he drawls and reaches for his cigarettes lying on the nightstand. "You really gotta be that jumpy, love?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose in irritation. At least that serves to dissipate the embarrassment. "I thought I said no pet names. I don't do that crap."

I feel a weight on my lap and upon opening my eyes, I find myself looking into scarlet. Gojyo's kneeling in front of the bed, hands resting on me as he speaks. "But **I** do." His tone is soft and serious. "I only want to say things like that 'cuz I love you. It's not weird to have me call you by some nickname." The matching serious expression breaks into a wide grin. "'Sides, it needs to be something special that no one else calls you. I guess half the fun'll be experimenting."

He gets up and presses his lips to my forehead gently before heading off to the bathroom. I watch him walk away, only turning away when the door closes. Then I flop down to the bed. The sheets are cool against my skin, but missing the warmth and comfort of the ones on the other bed. This bed doesn't smell like him either.

I put my palm over my face and slowly drag it down. I can't possibly be this much of an idiot, can I?

-+-

I head downstairs dressed only in my shirt and jeans, hoping nothing goes wrong. So far, breakfast is normal, for us at least. Goku stuffs his face, Gojyo teases him, I end up smacking both of them a few times for it, and Hakkai just laughs it off. It's extremely hard to read the newspaper, but these days there's a different reason for that.

I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel a hand creeping up my left thigh. Gojyo is sitting directly to my left, impressively managing to steal food from Goku's plate and molest me at the same time. I brush it off in between turns of the pages, but it keeps returning. Goddamn him!

Hakkai pulls out the map and studies it intently. "It looks like we'll be camping out for a little while since there appears to be a pretty extensive forest ahead. It's unfortunate, but we won't find another village until we're through it."

"Camping?" Gojyo stops his feud with Goku over the last piece of chicken and makes a "tsk" noise. "I s'poz that means no action either." He runs his free hand through that blood-red hair and smiles. "I was looking forward to having a soft fluffy bed with a feisty babe in it tonight. ♥" As if I could miss the suggestive look he sent my way. Can you make it a little more obvious, please? I don't think the other two have noticed quite yet.

Goku snorts. "Looks like we saved some poor lady from you, ya stinkin' kappa!" At least I can count on him to miss the significance of comments like that. Goku pops the chicken into his mouth triumphantly, sticking his tongue out at Gojyo after swallowing.

I try turning the pages harder, to block them out and maybe stop that stupid hand from massaging the inner part of my leg. I feel the irritation build and I know I'll end up shooting him if I don't do something soon. I'm going to get a migraine any second now.

I realize the hand is starting to slide in between my thighs and moving up and that's the last straw. I slam the paper down on the table and shoot up from my chair in one fluid motion, causing Gojyo's wrist to whack against the bottom of the table as hard as I possibly can. He chokes back a gasp of pain and both Goku and Hakkai look up at me.

"We're already running late," I snap, leaving the table and turning to head back to my room. "Get your things and get ready to go. I want to be out of here in half an hour." Serves him right, horny bastard.

Back in the room, I haul my bag up onto the bed and run through a mental checklist of everything that's supposed to go inside. Once that's done – not like I have much to begin with – I grab my robe from the rack I'd hung it on last night and slip it on, followed by my sash, rakusu, and, of course, my sutra.

I stare at the sutra for a bit after straightening it in the mirror. What am I doing? Maybe I break all the other rules of being a Sanzo, but I figure at the least, I can handle the celibacy thing. And technically, I'm still celibate, but with Gojyo, I don't figure on that lasting very long. It probably wouldn't entirely be his fault either, not with the way my body reacts to him lately. Almost daily, I have the worst-case scenario run through my head: me giving in to him and him laughing and leaving once he got what he wanted.

I close my eyes and sigh, almost missing the creak of the door behind me. Whoever comes in shut it softly and their footsteps carry over to me. 'Whoever?' What am I saying? I knew who it was the instant the door opened.

When my eyes open again to stare at the reflection, there's that comforting length of deep red pooled on my shoulder. Gojyo touches his lips to my neck, just where the top of my shirt ends, and whispers against my skin, making me shudder. "Sometimes I get hypnotized looking at you, too." His arms circle possessively around my waist.

Is this some sort of punishment? Why is he just leading me on? I push him away and almost sprint to the bed to pick up my bag. But before I can get through the door, away to freedom, his voice makes me pause. I can tell he's serious; there's not a hint of his carefree drawl left now.

"What's **wrong** with you today? Nearly broke my damn hand off, you prick. And despite that, I'm **trying** to be nice to you, and you shove me away. Why can't you just relax and stop being so paranoid for two **fucking** seconds?"

"_Relaxation is one of the keys to Enlightenment. One should neither be stiff mentally or physically.'_

Like I need to be hearing voices on top of this argument. My hands are shaking; I feel my whole body pulsing with fury.

I'm ready to scream at him. I suddenly despise my space being invaded; my every sense filled with him and my mind and body wanting only him. I'm setting myself up. If I act quickly, I can shut him out – make him hate me.

"Sanzo?"

"Why don't you go ahead and have your way with me already?"

He still sounds pissed. "Sex? Is **that** what you're talking about?"

I look down as I clench my hands into fists. I'm not going to just melt into his arms like my body is begging me to. I can't let him win. "I'm just asking why you insist on this stupid game. Just use me and get it over with."

The next sensation I'm aware of is my left cheek stinging with pain. Gojyo's right hand is raised in front of him and his teeth are clenched. "**Never** say that, Sanzo," he demands, his gaze searing. We're both staring into each other's eyes, violet and crimson daring the other to turn away first. "Do you realize what you sound like right now?"

"No," I spit back, tenderly rubbing against the part of my face where he'd slapped me. I don't break the glare for one second as I reach for my gun. I can hear my heart pound. "But then, I'm just some uppity little virgin. You tell **me** what your whores sound like."

"Is it so hard to believe that someone cares about you?" he cries out, his anger giving way to desperation. His hand catches my wrist; I lose the grip on the gun and it clatters to the ground. Weak.

My head is tilted up roughly and his lips slam into mine. He pushes me back against the door, hands sliding down to my hips. The rush of passion mixes in with the beating of my head and heart and my arms unconsciously fling themselves around his neck, pulling him closer. He moans into my mouth and I reply in kind, our tongues eagerly meeting once again. Why does he insist on torturing me, even in this moment?

We break apart and Gojyo's right hand goes back to my face, but this time, he rubs the mark. "Damn you, I don't want to **ever** have to do that again. Jus' seemed like there was no other way to get to you. I hate when you close me out."

The crimson is shadowed with pain. With all the blows we've traded over the years, it seems like the abuse I was giving him right now was a million times worse than any punch he'd ever given me.

"I love you, Genjyo Sanzo. I've told you that every night this past week. I don't know what else to say to make you believe me. I would never force myself on you; that's how much I care. Whenever we do something, I want it to be because you say it's ok.

"I will never give up on you. As frustrating as you can be, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before and," he adds, attempting a smile. "Whenever you want, I can prove it to you in a bunch of different ways. ♥" He draws me closer, his hands slipping back around me. "I just respect you too much to let you get away with this low self-esteem crap."

He respects me? After everything I've done to him? I really don't deserve this. I partially try to pull away, but he doesn't let go. I can't break away this time as he holds me closer to his chest. I rest my head on his shoulder and sigh. Where did all my resolve go?

"Hey." His hands slowly trail their way down from my waist. "Let's forget about all this. I'll make it up to you."

Before I can question this, he scoops me up and turns around, depositing me on the bed. My carefully arranged robes are pulled open and he tugs the zipper on my jeans down.

My eyes widen. "What… but…"

Gojyo is kneeling on the floor, between my legs. With one fluid motion, my jeans are gone, along with my socks and sandals. "Take your mind off the bad stuff for a while. I want to show you some fun things we can do instead."

"Gojy-ohhhhh…." I try to get up into a sitting position, but end up flinging my head back to the mattress as his hot mouth meets my stomach. He pushes my knees apart and kisses and licks his way down to my growing arousal. My eyes squeeze shut as I feel him take the tip into his mouth, his warm, wet tongue teasing me more with every passing second. One of his hands is keeping my legs spread while the other cups and strokes me. My hips are already beginning to rock with his ministrations.

I can't help it. Noises that sound like whimpers fall from my lips as he takes me in further. I thrust into his mouth despite myself; he starts to make humming noises and the vibration nearly kills me. My fingers clench the bed sheets, twisting them as I cry out in pleasure. I'm helpless – and dammit, I **like** it.

With a strangled gasp, I release, waves of pure bliss wracking my whole body. As it rolls through me, I can only murmur Gojyo's name over and over again. I'm covered in sweat, but he feels so good that it doesn't matter.

He appears above me when I reopen my eyes, looking down with an expression of smug satisfaction.

"Still think I don't care?"

When I can only shake my head softly, he runs a hand through my hair in a tender manner.

"Good. Even so, I'll keep tellin' you how much I love you 'til the day I die."

He lowers himself to my left on the bed, entwining his fingers with mine. Sighing, I'm prepared to rest for a while when I realize something.

Gojyo groans when I suddenly sit up. It hits me how disheveled I look – my robe is crumpled under me on the bed, my black shirt damp with sweat, and I can't even find my pants. I try to wrap the robe around me and stand up, but he hooks an arm around my waist, dragging me backwards against his chest. "Not goin' anywhere, Sunshine."

I'm not sure what to object to more, the dumb nickname or him preventing me from getting up. "Hakkai… and Goku… I told them we were leaving in a half hour." I'm fairly certain that deadline is fast approaching. "They'll know something happened."

"Hakkai will just tell the monkey you're not feeling well," Gojyo explains in a dismissive tone, pausing to nip at my left ear. "He knows I went t' cheer ya up."

"What?" This doesn't sound good. "Does he suspect…?"

"Ah, 'bout that." Gojyo scratches his nose and laughs. "Hakkai… was kind of the one who told me to go for it in the first place… back when he found out I liked you."

"So it's his fault…" I let out an exasperated sigh. Now it makes sense: the knowing looks, the caution he displayed coming in to our room to wake us up, that satisfied smile he'd just recently added to his collection. It figures that Gojyo wouldn't have initiated anything on his own. Someone **had** to have been playing matchmaker.

"Goku doesn't know," Gojyo offers, as if that would make things better. He lets go of me just enough so he can prop himself up on his right elbow.

Now he lets me sit up, which I'm grateful for. Any longer and I would've started punching my way free. "**That** I knew. If the _bakazaru_ had any idea, everyone within a 100-mile radius would know, too." I could only imagine the questions he'd bug me with and how mortified I'd get attempting to answer them.

"So, now that that's settled…" Gojyo trails off, eyeing me hopefully.

Two choices lay ahead of me. I can ignore those words that gave me hope, get up from this bed, and let things continue on as they are. Or, Tenkai forbid, I can follow Gojyo's insistence that I could be happy.

"_Happiness is the development of wisdom, which leads to the destruction of suffering."_

Did I deserve happiness, after how I'd acted? Something tightens in my chest. I did whatever I wanted anyway, why should I deny myself now?

Gojyo takes my silence for a "no," and lets out a puff of air as he too sits up. "Fine, I guess I should be used to your weird moods by now—" He gets cut off when I kiss him.

This is the first time I've started it. Usually, he has to beg and wheedle, or surprise me. But initiating feels pretty damn good. Tingles run through my body and I clench his shirt in my hands, dragging us closer. I push him back to the bed, straddling him.

His hands run down my back as a low growl issues from his throat. The kiss breaks and we're panting. "Now that's more like it, sweetheart."

My heart is beating fast as I shut him up with more kisses. It almost feels like it's fluttering. What is this emotion he stirs up in me? I know I'm trembling as he caresses me, but the nervousness soon gives way to joy.

Yes. That's what the voice is telling me, the part of me that wasn't buried by ten years of pain and denial. I am allowed to have joy. I am allowed to love and be loved and I know now that's why Gojyo feels so right. He takes me as I am, no questions, no uncertainties.

It's like being hit by lightning. I **know**. If he's absolutely sure, why shouldn't I be?

When I sit back, the only noise being our breathing, Gojyo is gracing me with one of those sexy smiles. "You look like a light bulb went on in there."

"Yeah." I nod softly, running a hand through that beautiful crimson hair. My throat tightens, but I know I have to say it. "I… it's not wrong to want this."

"'Course not," he reassures me. "So, no more doubt? Gotta tell ya, guys are kinda turned off by insecurity."

I draw him close again, gasping when his fingertips run up my sides. His every touch sets me on fire. "No doubt," I manage, looking him straight in the eyes. "I know you really want to be with me. And I…" Here we go. "I want you."

Like his ego isn't big enough, I think with a smirk when he flips us around, diving for the sensitive spots on my neck. Idiot though he may be, he's going to be **my** idiot.

-+-

A few months before his death, Master tried to give me a lesson. I didn't pay much attention at the time, mostly because I was mad I'd been relegated to sweeping yet again. But he thought maybe it would kill some time.

"Now, Kouryuu," he started, exhaling smoke and raising the pipe to his lips, "do you know what the two most important qualities to lead a good life are?"

"No, Master," I replied dully, focusing my rage on a leaf that seemed glued to the path.

His response was so soft I actually had to stop to catch what he was saying. "The perfect man must develop both compassion and wisdom. But it's impossible to have one and ignore the other; otherwise, you will be incomplete.

"If a man is only compassionate with no learning, he's little more than a kind fool. On the other hand, if he immerses himself in books and closes himself off from compassion, he becomes hard-hearted, with no feeling for others. Wisdom and compassion are inexorably linked." He smiled down at me. "Do you understand?"

At the time, no, I hadn't understood. I had learned what was expected of me as a Sanzo. I could recite a sutra as long as they left me alone afterwards. I had seen what happened to those who were compassionate; they were killed or taken advantage of for displaying kindness. I never wanted to be exploited that way. Then those three turned up.

Goku had shown me I could take care of someone; that as hyperactive as he could be, I secretly enjoyed his antics the way a father or older brother might feel towards a child. Hakkai had convinced me that intellectual equals existed and that even I needed a sounding board for ideas once and a while, a great contrast to the sniveling yes-men that populated Keiun back in Chang'An. And Gojyo?

The kappa snuggles up against me, touching his forehead to mine. He had taught me that no matter how much shit someone's gone through in life, if you lose yourself in it, the memories win. He loved without condition, he lived without hesitation, and he did what his heart told him was right, consequences be damned.

Now that his eyes are closed, it's my turn to smile. I decide I'll ask him about the "Sunshine" thing later.

-Owari-


End file.
